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What is it about him that makes me want him so badly? I have to wonder, I mean he is a stubborn, pigheaded, pain in the ass, and that’s on a good day, but he is just... hell I don't even know what, he is just special somehow, in a way I can't even begin to understand, but he is special.

He tries to act dumb, but I know better, he didn't get where he is by being stupid, anyone who knows anything about anything can surely see that, except I don't think most people do see that, I think most people really buy his "Who me? Dumb" act mores the pity.

He sees a lot more than people give him credit for, understands a hell of a lot more than people give him credit for, he is hard as nails, and yet as soft as silk, not that he would ever admit to the latter.

Sometimes he reminds me of a storm, wind and rain battling against the world, trying to keep control, but sooner or later losing out to the sun that is determined to shine. He fights as well, battles against the world, battles against himself. He tries to follow the rules, but his heart, his soul won't let him, because he knows it is wrong, and so the sun starts shinning and he does what is right.

I guess that is what it is, the fact that even when he tries so hard to follow the rules, he can't, he doesn't, not for lack of trying mind, I feel almost sorry for him, his whole life he has had to fight, he told me once that he use to win, but that I took all the fight out of him.

I'm glad I did, I know what he is capable of, I know what he has done, oh not the details of course, but I know, I know, and it scares me sometimes, but I always know that in the end the rain and the winds will die down, and his heart will win the fight once again, because his head has given up the game.

I wonder how I did that, what was it about me that made him change, he tries to tell me sometimes, but I don't get it, just like I don't really get why I love him so much, I get even less why he loves me so much.

I think I wonder too much.

I should stop; I mean does it really matter anymore?

Ten years, hundreds of battles, we've both died, and nearly died so many times, I for one have lost count, and still I wonder, I should stop, I don't need to wonder, knowing we love each other should be enough.

But still I wonder.

I wonder.


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